Dear Hope,
Today (August 17) we went to a support group. I really
wanted to go because we need to talk about you. Your Dad wasn’t completely up
for it but he went for me. He is good at that, ya know. He is always putting us
first.
Of course we got there almost an hour early. Your Dad is the
King of early. We were the first ones there. I was getting nervous at 7pm because
we were the only ones there. I wanted to talk to others.
Finally others showed up. We started off explaining what
happened. I tried to tell our story but I just cried. Your Dad told everyone
what happened. After that, I was able to talk. Maybe I just needed to hear from
everyone before I felt comfortable. I actually surprised myself. I talked a lot
more than I thought I would. It felt good. I felt comfortable enough that I
want to go back.
On September 3rd we had our follow up
appointment. However, the day before the doctor called with your autopsy
results. We would call twice a week to see if they came in. We needed to know
what happened. Well bad news, we have no reason for you passing. Although they
thought it was genetic, your results came back normal. The good news, medically we should be able to
have a healthy baby when we are ready to try.
I think after we got that news, I became sad again. I was doing
really well but knowing there was nothing wrong, made me back track. Why were
you chosen to go to heaven? There was no
reason! Why??? We will forever have to live with not knowing why.
Later that week, we had your Grandpop’s birthday. You know what was hard? How do we sign the
card? I wanted to put your name but also couldn’t deal with him reading it out
loud and saying your name. Your Dad had a good idea, put Kennedy Family. I
liked that idea. I am not sure how we will sign future cards but it works for
now.
The next day was Labor Day. It was the first holiday without
you. While you would not have been here physically yet, you would have still
been with us. I know you were there spiritually but it’s not the same. We spent
it quietly at the house.
Another thing that week, our maternity shoot. I am sure I
would have stressed out on what to wear. I am always finding outfits at the
last minute. However, it was really rainy that day. I think it was a sign from
you. You pulled some strings with Mother Nature so we wouldn’t be extra sad
that day. Thank you for that. It helped
knowing the shoot would have been rescheduled. Not knowing when the new shoot
would have been helps.
On September 16th we had our consultation with
the high-risk doctor. We were anxious for this appointment because we had so
many questions. We really liked this doctor. He was informal and sounded like
he really cared. He really wants us to be able to bring a baby home with us. He
thinks there may have been something with a clot so he has me taking fish oil
and a low dose of aspirin plus the prenatal. I am starting to bring salads to
work and having a glass of milk at night (sometimes twice at night). I am
trying my best to be in better health. I am sorry I didn’t do that enough with
you. I didn’t try hard enough to protect you.
I miss you BK.
Love,
Mom
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