Your Due Date

Dear Hope,

Well the day is here, your due date. I kept busy today. I took off work but had a doctors appointment and then ran errands. I ended the night with going out to eat with your grandparents. Your dad had to work overtime so we didn't spend the day together. We did celebrate yesterday. I am not sure celebrate is the word but we acknowledged what today is yesterday, together. We got you another balloon and we each wrote on it. Dad was able to be strong and write on this one. He had a hard time when we had the balloon for Remembrance day. We wrote that we love you and will always be in our hearts. Dad even said should include your brothers and sisters so we signed the names your fur siblings. Afterwards I was sad I didn't take a picture of the balloon but we aren't perfect.

We also shared a cupcake. Dad said he wasn't hungry for it but he ate most of it. It was a nice time together. I wish you were here but I know you are in spirit.

I am very thankful for your dad. He tries to look at what happened positively. I know this isn't a situation we ever wanted to be in but perhaps there is a bigger reason. Dad thinks this may happen to someone we know later down the road and I am going to be able to help them. While we don't wish this on ANYONE, it happens and will continue to happen in the future. I think he thinks this because we met a lady when we were in Florida. She had lost a child too. At the time, we didn't think anything of it. Now that this has happened, we were able to reach out to her and lean on her. She was a complete stranger and now she is a great resource. Perhaps, we can be that for someone one day.

I want to help people. Maybe this was my calling. I always thought I was just getting by in life. I wasn't make a difference. Maybe this is how I can make a difference. If I can help someone like people have helped me, that is enough for me.

I hope you know how much we miss you.

Love,
Mom

Therapy

Dear Hope,

We received the last of the blood tests (I hope!). Everything came back normal. It makes me sad because everything is coming back normal yet something happened to you. However, your Dad made me see the bright side of it. He mentioned that nothing can stop us from trying again; a little brother or sister for you. Your Dad is really good at seeing the positive in things. After he mentioned that, my day got a little better. I am actually doing OK today. This past week was rough. We did a lot of crying.

We tried therapy on Tuesday. It's not something your Dad is comfortable with but I think it might help me. It was nice talking about you. I am hoping she will teach me ways to deal with my sadness. Fingers cross it helps.

Monday is your due date. I am not sure how the day is going to go. Your Dad won't be home at all next week because he has to work. I took off work because I am not sure how I am going to handle everything. The therapist asked if we were going to do anything special. Since your Dad won't be home, we are going to try and do something together Sunday. I am not sure what we are going to do but we will figure it out. I want so badly to open your memory box from the hospital. I haven't opened it since we got home after we delivered you. I want to but I am afraid all the emotions.

The therapist suggested doing something for myself that day. Maybe I'll get a message or something to help keep my mind off everything. I'm still not sure. Can you image me getting upset during a message? That wouldn't be very relaxing.

The next few weeks will be long. Your Dad is working a lot and I have to travel for work. It's a little hard to think about because I should be on maternity leave. I miss you BK.

Love,
Mom

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Dear Hope,

October 15th was pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Actually, this whole month is dedicated to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I had no idea until I started doing research. I may have never known about this awareness if you had been here. I am trying my best to get the word out. I think I did pretty well on October 15th when I posted a video about stillborns. I saw a couple people write posts about it. Many friends and family prayed for you that day. It was so overwhelming the next day when I got all the notifications.

On the 15th I bought a balloon. I originally tried to find a plain pink one. I couldn't find one so I got one that said baby. I wrote your name on it and we love you. It made Dad really sad when he got home. He cried. It wasn't my intention to make him cry. I wanted to let it go when he got home as a way to remember you that day. It was very emotional as we let it go. We joked it would get caught on the house and it almost did. We also lit a candle for you. It was an emotional day but those things helped. It was a way to remember you that I would like to continue. Your plaque should be almost done at Virtua. I hope to visit it often.

We have an appointment this week for a therapist. I am hoping it will help with the grieving process. While I seem like I am doing OK on the outside, I am SO SAD inside. I try to hold it together so people do not worry about me.

I miss you.

Love,
Mom

Dad's New Tattoo

Dear Hope,

Yesterday was a rough day. I have to get the chicken pox shot because they told me when I was pregnant with you that I wasn’t immune to it. So I scheduled it for October 26^th (your due date). While doing research, I saw that we need to wait a month before trying to conceive. So I called my high risk doctor (to confirm) and they said to call my regular obgyn doctor. So when I called them, they said I needed to call my primary doctor to see. Then I called my primary and they suggested I call my insurance to find out if I would be covered. Now, you would think I would stop there because I need the shot regardless. It doesn’t matter if insurance covers it or not. However, I wasn’t thinking clearly because I was making so many phone calls. So I called the insurance company and they said I would need the procedure code the doctor would bill as. After that, I finally realized it didn’t matter. It only took four phone calls later. When I go in I am going to ask how long the shot is in my system and when they think I can try. I saw anywhere from one to three months.

If we have to wait three months, that will be devastating. My doctor said to wait a couple cycles before trying again. That meant we could try in November. Now with getting the shot, we may have to wait until December or maybe even January. In a way, I am happy because it will give me more time to heal. I’ve been getting up at 5:30 am to work out. I still have 15 lbs to loose. Well I don’t need to but sometimes I don’t feel comfortable in my skin. I only have four pairs of pants that fit me so I wear the same outfits to work every week. When I look at myself, I am reminded you are not there.At the same time, I know me and your Dad want to try as soon as we can. It just hurts.

On a different note, your Dad’s tattoo is almost finished. If you remember, we were going to decorate your room with cherry blossoms. He already has a tattoo on his arm of a cross. Along with the cross is the birth and passing away dates of his brother and grandfather. He had the artist put the cherry blossoms around the cross. On Saturday, he finished most of the tattoo up with your name in the inside of his arm. It may look crooked in the picture but it is how you look at it. It’s straight, I promise. I hope you like it too.

Love,

Mom

The before shot

The tattoo with cherry blossoms

Inside of Dad's arm with your name

Your Due Date

Dear Hope,

I am sorry I have not written in a while. The dreaded month is here, October. I wanted to write on the first but couldn’t bring myself to do it. A month once filled with joy, excitement and happiness was now a month I didn’t want to come. Your due date was October 26^th. That means as we go through this month, you could have been born at any time. You could have come early and I would be holding you on this very day. 

Me and your dad’s first anniversary was on the fourth. He asked if I thought we would be able to get pregnant right away again. I started crying because this was not the anniversary I expected. I expected one with you there ready to enter the world. Over all I really enjoyed time with your dad. Although we see each other every day, I still miss him when I am at work or if he’s not home right away. This experience has definitely brought us closer than we have ever been. 

I got lab results back yesterday. The high risk doctor ordered some tests to see if anything came back abnormal. I couldn’t even pronounce the names of the tests. Want to know some advice, don’t read results if you are not familiar with them. As soon as I got an email they were posted, I tried to read them. I convinced myself something was wrong. I called the doctor right away. The nurse said she would have to call me back because she didn’t get the results yet. Those twenty minutes seemed like a lifetime. She said they were still waiting on some results but everything that came back was normal. However, I wasn’t convinced. I came home crying and your dad called the doctor again. They assured us everything was normal. I am just afraid that I am broken. 

Love,

Mom

Support Group, Doctor Appointments, Birthday Card

Dear Hope,

Today (August 17) we went to a support group. I really wanted to go because we need to talk about you. Your Dad wasn’t completely up for it but he went for me. He is good at that, ya know. He is always putting us first.

Of course we got there almost an hour early. Your Dad is the King of early. We were the first ones there. I was getting nervous at 7pm because we were the only ones there. I wanted to talk to others.

Finally others showed up. We started off explaining what happened. I tried to tell our story but I just cried. Your Dad told everyone what happened. After that, I was able to talk. Maybe I just needed to hear from everyone before I felt comfortable. I actually surprised myself. I talked a lot more than I thought I would. It felt good. I felt comfortable enough that I want to go back.

On September 3^rd we had our follow up appointment. However, the day before the doctor called with your autopsy results. We would call twice a week to see if they came in. We needed to know what happened. Well bad news, we have no reason for you passing. Although they thought it was genetic, your results came back normal.  The good news, medically we should be able to have a healthy baby when we are ready to try.

I think after we got that news, I became sad again. I was doing really well but knowing there was nothing wrong, made me back track. Why were you chosen to go to heaven?  There was no reason! Why??? We will forever have to live with not knowing why.

Later that week, we had your Grandpop’s birthday.  You know what was hard? How do we sign the card? I wanted to put your name but also couldn’t deal with him reading it out loud and saying your name. Your Dad had a good idea, put Kennedy Family. I liked that idea. I am not sure how we will sign future cards but it works for now.

The next day was Labor Day. It was the first holiday without you. While you would not have been here physically yet, you would have still been with us. I know you were there spiritually but it’s not the same. We spent it quietly at the house.

Another thing that week, our maternity shoot. I am sure I would have stressed out on what to wear. I am always finding outfits at the last minute. However, it was really rainy that day. I think it was a sign from you. You pulled some strings with Mother Nature so we wouldn’t be extra sad that day.  Thank you for that. It helped knowing the shoot would have been rescheduled. Not knowing when the new shoot would have been helps.

On September 16^th we had our consultation with the high-risk doctor. We were anxious for this appointment because we had so many questions. We really liked this doctor. He was informal and sounded like he really cared. He really wants us to be able to bring a baby home with us. He thinks there may have been something with a clot so he has me taking fish oil and a low dose of aspirin plus the prenatal. I am starting to bring salads to work and having a glass of milk at night (sometimes twice at night). I am trying my best to be in better health. I am sorry I didn’t do that enough with you. I didn’t try hard enough to protect you.

I miss you BK.

Love,

Mom

The Start of "Firsts"

Dear Hope,

The first week was hard. Don’t get me wrong, every day is hard but it was the beginning of “firsts.” The first time pulling up to the drive way, seeing the dog or cats, lying in bed knowing you were never going to see these things. Your Mommom (on my side) stayed with us the first week. It was nice to have her help. Although I didn’t eat much, she made food and cleaned up the house. I did not have any energy for those types of things.

One night we went to Dave and Busters to get out of the house. We used all of our points to get you a dinosaur. It’s sitting in your nursery now. I hope you like dinosaurs as much as I do! You even saw Jurassic World with me back in June. You may have been a little scared but it’s all pretend, I promise. 

On August 9^th, I had a really bad day. That was the day I was mad at God. Why he would do something like this to us. All of my life, I tried to be a good person. Never cursing, saying please and thank you, apologizing for everything even when it wasn’t my fault. I prayed at night and when I wished upon a star, it was never something for me. I thought if I was this good person that God would never put me through a tragedy. I would be able to go through life without heartache. I was convinced we were being punished. Your Dad went to work a little and Mommom was still there so I didn’t want to get too emotional. However, if I was by myself, I would have just screamed all day. Screamed at God for taking you away from us. How can he let people who do drugs or mistreat their pregnancy have a baby? Why did he have to take you away from us? We were going to give you the world. I still don’t know why he did it and I never will. It’s something I’ll have to learn to live with. It depends on the day whether or not I believe “everything happens for a reason”.

The next day, both your Dad and I decided to go back to work. Our midwife suggested I take the six weeks and enjoy the rest of the summer. While it sounded nice, it wasn’t practical. I had a hard time sitting at home for a week, how could I do six? Things in the house made me sad, especially your nursery. It was painted but the door was closed. I wasn’t ready to see your room yet. 

I was nervous to go. I didn’t want everyone to bombard me with “I’m sorry” or give me hugs. However, my first day back was nice. No one bombarded me and I was OK. I think work was going to be a good thing for your Dad and me. We could try and get back to a normal (new normal) routine. I think the first day went by fast because I had emails to catch up on and work that needed to get done. The next couple of days were a little harder. I found a little more down time to think about everything. It also didn’t help that I was on Pinterest finding quotes to represent how I felt. It was hard but it’s getting a little better each day.

On August 12^th, I had dinner with two friends. I was able to talk about you and what happened without getting upset. I was surprised but also proud. I needed to talk about you but always stopped because I would get upset. It was great to talk about you and not get upset. The ride home was good, until your Dad called. I was about two minutes from home and he was calling me back. He apologized for not picking up and mentioned Tom was over. At that moment, I knew what happened. Tom was the funeral director in our neighborhood. He stopped by the week we had off work and helped us pick your urn. You were finally home with us.

I cried hysterically those last two minutes. Your Dad met me as I pulled into the drive way. I kept saying “where is it.” I didn’t mean to call you an “it” but I meant the urn. I wanted to know where the urn was with your ashes. Dad didn’t think I was ready but I needed to see you. We cried together for a little while. 

We thought cremating you was the best idea. I still think it was the right move for us. We had a hard time deciding where to put your ashes. At first we thought the safe, how were we supposed to look at your urn every day and not cry? Then we decided to put your ashes in the family room, on the entertainment center. After we put your ashes there, we went upstairs. Your Dad asked if we could bring you upstairs with us and I liked that idea. You’ve been on Daddy’s nightstand ever since. Your urn is beautiful. It’s a moon that shines all day. Every day I kiss you and tell you to have a good day. It’s my way of telling you I am thinking about you. I also tell you goodnight every night. I hope you hear me. 

Love,

Mom

The hospital

Dear Hope,

The week of July 27^th will forever stay with me. We noticed you were not moving at all that week. We kept saying “let’s see what she does tomorrow.” Finally on Thursday, July 31^st, we called the doctor. They wanted us to go to the hospital to get checked out. As we walked into those hospital doors, we didn’t realize our lives would forever change.

We knew you were gone when it took three people to come in and try to find your heart heat. I often wonder what the nurses were saying outside the door as they were coming in. Were they discussing how you were gone but they couldn’t say just yet? Were they sad?

While in that room, they told us what was going to happen. They mentioned they make memory boxes and we would have a chance to hold you. I am so sorry that I did not want to hold you at first. It wasn’t because I didn’t love you but how was I supposed to hold you and then give you to the nurses, never to be seen again??

There are not many times I’ve seen your Dad cry but that day he did. We both did. How could this happen? You were (and still are) perfect. Dad called everyone and they came to the hospital. By the time they came, we were already in our room. As family and friends came in and out, it was overwhelming. Now, when I say overwhelming, I mean it in a good day. We are so lucky to have a great support system.

I had so many emotions during that time. I was sad, angry, anxious, you name it. I wanted to give birth but at the same time I didn’t. As long as I was in the hospital, you were still with me. Maybe there was a chance this was a terrible, terrible, dream. At the same time, once we delivered, we could start the grieving process. It’s hard to say what we wanted at that time.

On August 1^st in the early morning hours, the pain started to become unbearable. The nurse realized it was time to take us to the delivery room. I just remember staring at the lights as they wheeled me through, your Dad by our side. They gave me an epidural and we went to sleep for another four hours. When we woke up, the nurses and midwife came in to check on me. I thought we would be able to get more rest but they said it was time.

We were only in labor for about five minutes before you entered the world. Again, I thought maybe, JUST MAYBE this would be a dream and you could come out crying. However, that wasn’t the case. It was silent and they asked if we wanted to see you. We said yes and they put you in our arms. You were beautiful. I can still remember holding you and looking at your Dad. Then the nurses took you and clean you up. They put you in a cute little crocheted blanket and cap. When they came back, we held you again and our families came in. They each took their time holding you. There were tears but also laughs.

My OBGYN and midwife came to me later and said they think it may have been a genetic disorder. In a way, it helped with some of the pain. Perhaps there was a reason why you left us. At the same time, it made us worry. Could this happen again? Was it something we passed along? What do we do now?

We named you Hope Elizabeth Kennedy. We originally were thinking Aubrey or Isabella. I liked Aubrey and wasn’t sold on Isabella. However, your Dad was so I said I would consider it. After everything that happened, we wanted to choose a name with more meaning. We combined two spiritual names that meant, Belief (Hope), God’s Presence (Elizabeth). We had to believe that God was with us and your name meant just that.

We took a sneak peek at your hair. We often joked about what color hair you would have. Would you have Daddy’s dark hair or my blonde? I loss and you had dark hair. I am not sure how long we held you for. We did have a Priest come in and do a blessing. It was a very emotional time. Sometimes I wish we held you longer. I know we held you for a while and when we gave you to the nurses, we were ready. I don’t mean that in a bad way. We were never REALLY ready to give you away but at that moment, we had some peace and thought it was time.

I stayed at the hospital that night just in case anything went wrong. The next morning we were able to leave and begin this journey called life without you. As we left, of course people were in the waiting room with huge bears that said “it’s a girl” and “it’s a boy.” That made walking out (holding your memory box close to my heart) even harder.

I took one more look at the hospital as we drove away, without you.

Love,

Mom

PS. I have not copied the photos from the hospital yet. I want to post them here but I cannot bring myself to look at them just yet. I will though.