Your Due Date

Dear Hope,

Well the day is here, your due date. I kept busy today. I took off work but had a doctors appointment and then ran errands. I ended the night with going out to eat with your grandparents. Your dad had to work overtime so we didn't spend the day together. We did celebrate yesterday. I am not sure celebrate is the word but we acknowledged what today is yesterday, together. We got you another balloon and we each wrote on it. Dad was able to be strong and write on this one. He had a hard time when we had the balloon for Remembrance day. We wrote that we love you and will always be in our hearts. Dad even said should include your brothers and sisters so we signed the names your fur siblings. Afterwards I was sad I didn't take a picture of the balloon but we aren't perfect.

We also shared a cupcake. Dad said he wasn't hungry for it but he ate most of it. It was a nice time together. I wish you were here but I know you are in spirit.

I am very thankful for your dad. He tries to look at what happened positively. I know this isn't a situation we ever wanted to be in but perhaps there is a bigger reason. Dad thinks this may happen to someone we know later down the road and I am going to be able to help them. While we don't wish this on ANYONE, it happens and will continue to happen in the future. I think he thinks this because we met a lady when we were in Florida. She had lost a child too. At the time, we didn't think anything of it. Now that this has happened, we were able to reach out to her and lean on her. She was a complete stranger and now she is a great resource. Perhaps, we can be that for someone one day.

I want to help people. Maybe this was my calling. I always thought I was just getting by in life. I wasn't make a difference. Maybe this is how I can make a difference. If I can help someone like people have helped me, that is enough for me.

I hope you know how much we miss you.

Love,
Mom

Therapy

Dear Hope,

We received the last of the blood tests (I hope!). Everything came back normal. It makes me sad because everything is coming back normal yet something happened to you. However, your Dad made me see the bright side of it. He mentioned that nothing can stop us from trying again; a little brother or sister for you. Your Dad is really good at seeing the positive in things. After he mentioned that, my day got a little better. I am actually doing OK today. This past week was rough. We did a lot of crying.

We tried therapy on Tuesday. It's not something your Dad is comfortable with but I think it might help me. It was nice talking about you. I am hoping she will teach me ways to deal with my sadness. Fingers cross it helps.

Monday is your due date. I am not sure how the day is going to go. Your Dad won't be home at all next week because he has to work. I took off work because I am not sure how I am going to handle everything. The therapist asked if we were going to do anything special. Since your Dad won't be home, we are going to try and do something together Sunday. I am not sure what we are going to do but we will figure it out. I want so badly to open your memory box from the hospital. I haven't opened it since we got home after we delivered you. I want to but I am afraid all the emotions.

The therapist suggested doing something for myself that day. Maybe I'll get a message or something to help keep my mind off everything. I'm still not sure. Can you image me getting upset during a message? That wouldn't be very relaxing.

The next few weeks will be long. Your Dad is working a lot and I have to travel for work. It's a little hard to think about because I should be on maternity leave. I miss you BK.

Love,
Mom

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Dear Hope,

October 15th was pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Actually, this whole month is dedicated to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I had no idea until I started doing research. I may have never known about this awareness if you had been here. I am trying my best to get the word out. I think I did pretty well on October 15th when I posted a video about stillborns. I saw a couple people write posts about it. Many friends and family prayed for you that day. It was so overwhelming the next day when I got all the notifications.

On the 15th I bought a balloon. I originally tried to find a plain pink one. I couldn't find one so I got one that said baby. I wrote your name on it and we love you. It made Dad really sad when he got home. He cried. It wasn't my intention to make him cry. I wanted to let it go when he got home as a way to remember you that day. It was very emotional as we let it go. We joked it would get caught on the house and it almost did. We also lit a candle for you. It was an emotional day but those things helped. It was a way to remember you that I would like to continue. Your plaque should be almost done at Virtua. I hope to visit it often.

We have an appointment this week for a therapist. I am hoping it will help with the grieving process. While I seem like I am doing OK on the outside, I am SO SAD inside. I try to hold it together so people do not worry about me.

I miss you.

Love,
Mom

Dad's New Tattoo

Dear Hope,

Yesterday was a rough day. I have to get the chicken pox shot because they told me when I was pregnant with you that I wasn’t immune to it. So I scheduled it for October 26^th (your due date). While doing research, I saw that we need to wait a month before trying to conceive. So I called my high risk doctor (to confirm) and they said to call my regular obgyn doctor. So when I called them, they said I needed to call my primary doctor to see. Then I called my primary and they suggested I call my insurance to find out if I would be covered. Now, you would think I would stop there because I need the shot regardless. It doesn’t matter if insurance covers it or not. However, I wasn’t thinking clearly because I was making so many phone calls. So I called the insurance company and they said I would need the procedure code the doctor would bill as. After that, I finally realized it didn’t matter. It only took four phone calls later. When I go in I am going to ask how long the shot is in my system and when they think I can try. I saw anywhere from one to three months.

If we have to wait three months, that will be devastating. My doctor said to wait a couple cycles before trying again. That meant we could try in November. Now with getting the shot, we may have to wait until December or maybe even January. In a way, I am happy because it will give me more time to heal. I’ve been getting up at 5:30 am to work out. I still have 15 lbs to loose. Well I don’t need to but sometimes I don’t feel comfortable in my skin. I only have four pairs of pants that fit me so I wear the same outfits to work every week. When I look at myself, I am reminded you are not there.At the same time, I know me and your Dad want to try as soon as we can. It just hurts.

On a different note, your Dad’s tattoo is almost finished. If you remember, we were going to decorate your room with cherry blossoms. He already has a tattoo on his arm of a cross. Along with the cross is the birth and passing away dates of his brother and grandfather. He had the artist put the cherry blossoms around the cross. On Saturday, he finished most of the tattoo up with your name in the inside of his arm. It may look crooked in the picture but it is how you look at it. It’s straight, I promise. I hope you like it too.

Love,

Mom

The before shot

The tattoo with cherry blossoms

Inside of Dad's arm with your name

Your Due Date

Dear Hope,

I am sorry I have not written in a while. The dreaded month is here, October. I wanted to write on the first but couldn’t bring myself to do it. A month once filled with joy, excitement and happiness was now a month I didn’t want to come. Your due date was October 26^th. That means as we go through this month, you could have been born at any time. You could have come early and I would be holding you on this very day. 

Me and your dad’s first anniversary was on the fourth. He asked if I thought we would be able to get pregnant right away again. I started crying because this was not the anniversary I expected. I expected one with you there ready to enter the world. Over all I really enjoyed time with your dad. Although we see each other every day, I still miss him when I am at work or if he’s not home right away. This experience has definitely brought us closer than we have ever been. 

I got lab results back yesterday. The high risk doctor ordered some tests to see if anything came back abnormal. I couldn’t even pronounce the names of the tests. Want to know some advice, don’t read results if you are not familiar with them. As soon as I got an email they were posted, I tried to read them. I convinced myself something was wrong. I called the doctor right away. The nurse said she would have to call me back because she didn’t get the results yet. Those twenty minutes seemed like a lifetime. She said they were still waiting on some results but everything that came back was normal. However, I wasn’t convinced. I came home crying and your dad called the doctor again. They assured us everything was normal. I am just afraid that I am broken. 

Love,

Mom